You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
#oldknees
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department