Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
You had me at “define legal”.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.