“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”