You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.