Ironic
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Labreador
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back