For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW