To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
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Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume