There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.