No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.