Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
this is the best interaction on twitter
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out