They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.