if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Möther may I have a snäck
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
S/o to @funTweeters .
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Thursday