One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo