Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!