The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.