Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages