I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
You Might Also Like
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Friday
based al yankovic
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
True
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…