I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*