Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.