Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.