Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise