It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene