[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
#Caturday
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My dad is at it again
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*