Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.