I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Inside you there are two wolves
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there鈥檚 any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you鈥檙e cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I鈥檓 driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I鈥檓 busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister鈥檚 toys.
Most people鈥檚 biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program鈥nd won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can鈥檛 make this shit up.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幎EVERYBODY DANCE NOW馃幎
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i鈥檓 eating a frisbee
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.