Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
stop
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done