I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one