[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.