Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Sending in my taxes