Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My god she’s good.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day