Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality