Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Not today
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]