You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.