ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend