me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
asking santa clause for nudes
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”