[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
peep davidson
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
choose your gary