The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
worst…sale…ever
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Jail
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..