Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
this is the best interaction on twitter
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]