That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*