Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
How do you like your Corgi?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.