You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
What the hell happened in there??
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date