Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.