[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…