I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: