[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Perfect.
that de-escalated quickly
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.