Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*