We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.