Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house