Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Breaking news:
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist