*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
These 3D printers are insane!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it